What is Shame?

Before we can begin to unlearn shame, we need to understand what it is, where it comes from, and how it shapes the way we live. What is shame?

Understanding the Roots of Self-Blame

Shame vs Guilt

Shame is often confused with guilt, but they are not the same.

• Guilt says: “I did something bad.”
• Shame says: “I am bad.”

Guilt is about actions — something we did or didn’t do.
Shame is about identity — who we believe we are at our core.

Where guilt can lead to reflection and repair, shame tends to shut us down. It makes us hide, apologise for existing, or silence our needs. It whispers that we’re not enough — or too much — and that we must keep proving our worth.

The Origins of Shame

Shame often begins early. It can come from:

• Family systems that equate love with obedience or performance
• School settings where we were punished for thinking or feeling differently
• Cultural norms that demand perfection, silence, or self-sacrifice
• Religious or moral frameworks that over-focus on purity, sin, or submission
• Neurodivergence that was misunderstood as laziness, rudeness, or defiance

You may not remember when shame first arrived — only that it’s been shaping your decisions, relationships, and self-image ever since.

Why We Carry It

Shame tells us we must shrink to belong.
That we’ll be safe if we perform, stay quiet, or please others.
But over time, shame disconnects us from who we really are.
It makes authenticity feel risky. Joy feel undeserved. Stillness feel dangerous.

If you’ve ever thought:

• “I’m too sensitive.”
• “I should be further along by now.”
• “If people really knew me, they wouldn’t stay.”

…then shame has touched your story. You’re not alone in that.

Why This Course Matters

This course isn’t about becoming someone new.
It’s about returning to yourself — the version of you that existed before shame rewrote your worth.

We’re not here to fix you.
We’re here to remind you: You were never broken.

Reflect and Journal

Take your time with the following questions. There’s no pressure to have answers — only to notice what comes up.

1. When was the first time you remember feeling ashamed of who you were?
2. What words or labels have made you feel small or unacceptable?
3. Where in your life do you still carry the need to “prove” your worth?
4. What might it feel like to believe there’s nothing wrong with you?